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Have
you ever experienced your child throwing the biggest tantrum over and over
again and you just didn’t know what to do besides ignore them? I know for a
fact those of you who are parents reading this have had some sort of experience
with this. Here are a few simple ways in which you might be able to handle this
situation more effectively with pointers from John Gottman’s book “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.”
Gottman
explains “good parenting involves emotion” (p. 20). He compares it to an airplane
and how you are to place the oxygen mask on yourself before you can assist
others. The same principle applies to emotion coaching. Once you, as the parent,
can realize your ability to recognize emotions, you are moving in the right
direction in being able to assist your child. As a parent “your emotional
awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and
happiness in all walks of life” (p. 20).
If
children are acting out with tantrums, there is a reason. Especially with
younger children, they don’t have the vocabulary to express how they are
feeling. During this age, children become frustrated and throw tantrums.
Parents need to step in and help the child talk it out. The child will then feel
their feelings are important and valued. It may not work the first, second,
third, or tenth time. As long as there is an effort, you will begin to see a
difference. “Emotion coaching requires a significant amount of commitment and
patience” (p. 27). Gottman discusses 5 key principles in helping along this
process of becoming better emotion coaches to children:
1. Become
aware of the child’s emotion
2. Recognize
the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen
empathetically, validating the child’s feelings
4. Help
the child find words to label the emotion he/she is having
5. Set
limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand
You
may look at this list thinking, “When I’m in the moment, I will not think
through all of these steps because my child and I are both frustrated and I
just need to get stuff done!” Like everything else you strive to make a habit,
it will take time and lots of practice. As Gottman says, “Children whose
parents consistently practice emotion coaching have better physical health and
score higher academically than children whose parents don’t offer such
guidance…when mothers and fathers use a coaching style of parenting, their
children become more resilient” (p. 25). Children will be mentally, physically,
and emotionally healthier if parents practice emotion coaching with their
child.
When children are experiencing
negative emotions, such as being sad or angry, you never want to ignore or shut
them down. As an adult, you feel better once you have experienced those
negative emotions, talked it out with someone you care about, and then move on.
Children are no different! If you were constantly shut down or ignored for
something that you feel entitled to being angry or mad about, you would be
completely frustrated too! Children whose emotions are constantly pushed aside
begin to doubt themselves and begin to lose confidence. “One easy and extremely
important step in emotion coaching is to help children label their emotions as
they are having them” (p. 99). Parents should talk it out and offer guidance
and support on how to handle those feelings in a healthy way. “Studies reveal
that children who feel respected and valued in their families do better in
school, have more friendships, and live healthier, more successful lives”
(p.30). It is so intriguing the impact something so simple such as emotion
coaching can have on a child’s life in all aspects.
The
next point is the topic of empathy. “Empathy not only matters; it is the
foundation of effective parenting” (p. 35).
Think of a time when you felt someone really empathized with you or even
someone who lacked empathy. How did it make you feel when someone empathized
with you? How did you feel when they didn’t? Children thrive best when their
parents empathize with them. Gottman says “empathy allows children to see their
parents as allies” (p. 73). As we strive to work on empathy towards children, they
will no longer see us trying to control them. Gottman also says, “If we can
communicate…intimate emotional understanding to our children, we give credence
to their experience and help them learn to soothe themselves” (p. 73). As we
provide empathy and use strategies in emotion coaching, children will learn to
self soothe and solve problems on their own in healthy ways!
With everything I have discussed you
might be thinking, “Well, this might work… but how do I discipline my child
while empathizing with them?” Gottman brings up a great way you can categorize
when it’s appropriate and when it isn’t. He discusses it in red, yellow, and
green zones. “The green zone encompasses behavior that’s sanctioned and
desired. It’s the way we want our children to act, so we grant them permission
freely. The yellow zone is misbehavior that’s not sanctioned, but it’s
tolerated for two specific reasons. The first is leeway or learners….The second
is leeway for hard times. The red zone is behavior that cannot be tolerated no
matter what.” (p. 102-103). These different zones will help guide you in pursuing
emotion coaching.
Remember first, as parents, you need
to recognize your own emotions. You cannot help your child until you first
practice this yourself. Second, talk with your children and help them recognize
different types of emotions to expound their vocabulary. Lastly, the most
important thing, EMPATHY. Come to understand your child’s way of thinking and
why they are act a certain way. Remember the green, yellow, and red zones. It
will take lots of patience, time, and effort but your relationship between you
and your child will be greatly enhanced. Now it’s time to get to work and put
these concepts into practice!
**If you are interested in reading more about John Gottman's book you can find it here: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656
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